Insomnia and the scent of tabacco
by Sasori Yume
Summary: This is a Badou x Naoto story, from Naoto's point of view. She just moved away from Fuyumine's old place, to a small, clustering room, where she has trouble sleeping. So she takes walks in the night to clear her thoughts. One night, she bumps into Badou.


_**Insomnia and the scent of tabacco**_

The clock on my end table shows 3 a.m.

3 a.m again, huh? It happened a lot lately. I wake up in the middle of the night unable to sleep again. There's a persistent feeling of something "missing".Is this "loneliness"? I can't fully understant it. I never actually had a family, so loneliness should be something I've gotten used to over time. But I was always too busy learning how to fight and too full of resent to even take something like loneliness into consideration. It's mostly something you learn to live with.

It's 3.30 a.m already. I lost myself in thoughts for the last half an hour, but I am still unable to sleep. I was never lonely. I never saw it this way back then, but Fuyumine was the reason I was not lonely. He was family. Maybe now I miss the presence of someone I can see as family. I can't say I need that, but I can say it would be a lot easier to sleep at night if I had it.

I turn around again, and the clock is showing 4 a.m.

Another night is going to waste without a reason I can fully understand. During the day, I never think like this, I have a lot of things that keep my thoughts occupied. Also, there are people around me usually. But they are none of my concern. I can't see them as anything near family.

I'm sure that if I turn around again, I will only see another half an hour gone to waste, so I don't want to look at the clock anymore. I just stand up, get dressed in one of my black dresses, and step out of this small room. I need air.

***

This time, I can't sleep at all. I was trying to sleep for the last 2 hours but it was simply impossible. The last week was pretty busy so it didn't happen anymore. But every time there is a more "quiet" period, I find it hard to sleep. It's that feeling again.

The clock shows 2 a.m. this time. I'm hoping I will be able to fall asleep soon so I won't waste anymore time with useless thoughts.

3 a.m. again, huh? I maneged to actually sleep for one hour, but somehow at around 3 a.m. I just woke up again. I can't waste any more time in this small room with useless thoughts. I'm going out. I need air.

The streets are empty and the lighting is pretty bad, the overall atmosphere isn't the most relaxing one, but this is better than that small room. I can breathe out here in the streets.

How long have I been walking on these empty streets? The sun is about to shine and the daylight only shows the ugly parts of this naighbourhood: the cracks on the walls, the concerned faces of people, dust, broken windows and stray dogs.

The sun didn't rise yet. It's still dark. I walk by a little park. And there's only an old man sitting on a bench waiting for the sunrise. He takes a pack of cigaretts out of his pocked and lits up one of them.

I like the scent. I never actually needed air. The scent of burning cigarettes is better. From time to time, Fuyumine used to smoke.

I went back and maneged to get 2 hours of sleep.

***

It happened again tonight, just like yesterday night. I'm unable to sleep at all. It's only 1 a.m. but somehow I feel anxious, I can't keep calm tonight and twist around in that bed waiting to fall asleep. I got a bit tired of those useless thoughts. Maybe the reason to it is much more simple.

I can't get used to that room yet. It's the kind of a small, clustering room a young bohemian poet would live in at the beginning of his career. What an odd comparison…. a poet and an assassin…

But I still can't understand why it's hard to get used to… I really don't need more space to live in. And I don't think I could live in Fuyumine's old place anymore. I don't like living with skeletons in my closed.

Besides, this was the only place I could afford.

But now I just need to get out. I need air. Air? No, I don't need it… I just want to get out for a while.

Same empty streets, same bad lighting…

. There's only a man standing in front of a shop trying to buy something. I can't see him clearly but his reaction seems pretty funny to me. I'm guessing they didn't have what he was asking for and now he's swearing and making a scene in front of the shop. He turns around afterwards and looks my way for a second:

-Hey miss, do you happen to have a cigarette?

-Badou?

I think I might have seemed a bit surprised… But now that I think about it… It's not really surprising to see the carrothead at 2 a.m. searching desperatly for cigarettes and making a scene if he can't find them. I think I was a bit surprised by the the fact that I bumped into him here.

- Naoto? What the fuck? It's 2 a.m.! What the fuck are you doing here?

- Taking a walk.

I was only hoping he'd just walk on and continue searching for his cigaretts and not ask me anymore unnecessary questions.

- You live around here?

- Yes…

- Hey, come with me!

- Why?

- I neeeeed my nicotiiiiiine!!!!!!!!!!

There he goes, Badou making a scene again. This is why dependence makes you weak. Craving for something that bad that you cannot restrain your weird reactions.

- You want me to come with you and search for cigarettes?

- Yeah!

- Why?

- Hey, listen, tranny! Do you have anything better to do?

He didn't let me answer that, of course.

- You don't. That's why you were taking a walk. And now you're taking a walk with me! What's the big fuckin difference?

To be honest, I had no valid argument against what he said. This person is no concern of mine, so there is not much of a difference if I walk with him or alone.

-Are you coming???

-Yeah…

We walked around for a bit, silently. I didn't think that loudmouth could actually shut up this much. Maybe because I'm always lost in my own thought and I keep things to myself I make it hard for him too to try and talk to me. But it's weird, this time I think I wanted him to be the loudmouth he always is. This silence is kind of strange. It's strange to see him silent.

- YES! Oh, FUCK!

I don't quite get his reaction so I just look at him. He turns to me and looks a bit concerned.

-Listen, you see that shop there? He said on a serious tone.

- They haaaaaave iiiiiiit!!!!!! He switched to the "puppy wiggling his tail" mode.

So this explains the "YES!" part, I say to myself.

- But…

And this will explain the other part…

- You go buy them for me, tranny!!!

- Huh? Why?

- Just go there and buy them! Here's the money!

I didn't want to ask anymore questions, but judging by the scene he made earlier, I am guessing tonight wasn't the first time he got like that because of his lack of nicotine, so this is why they probably won't let him in the shop anymore. And a guy with orange hair and an eyepatch is not easily forgettable.

I went in and bought the cigarettes, but mostly because I wanted to feel the scent that relaxes me. So, uncounciously, I opened the pack and smelled the tabacco. Now that I realise it, I just hope he won't make a scene out of this.

Badou was waiting outside the shop and he was looking pretty anxious and a bit paranoid maybe. I could see the relief on his face when he saw me with the pack of cigs in my hand… but before I got to him, he rushed at me and grabed my hand.

- Naoto, can you do me a favour?

- What now?

- RUUUUUUUUUUN!!!!!!!!!

- What the…..?

The owner of the shop reached for a gun and other two armed guys rushed out of the shop following us. We just ran from them on those empty streets until Badou saw a dark side alley and pulled me there. It was a dead end, with an old, abandoned house on one side and a tall building on the other.

- GET UP!

And this was the difference. If I walked alone tonigh I would have cleared my thoughts and returned to my small room before the sun rised. But since I chose to walk with Badou, I ended up running into trouble and climbing an old abandoned building. I was pretty frustrated that I only carried with me a small knife and I was useless against 3 armed guys.

The building was really easy to climb and it only had 2 stories. Badou followed me, so we both got to the rooftop in one piece and remained silend for a while. The guys investigated the alley, but found nothing but a dead end so they went to search elsewhere.

Although I should probably be mad at him, because this was the reason he took me with him in the first place, I find this situation a bit amusing. So this is how being Badou feels like…

At some point, he started talking again.

- Sorry. The guy used to be a mafia member and I had a job well payed to get some pictures of him and that fucked him badly. Now he just owns that small shop.

- It doesn't matter. Here, your cigaretts. That's why you brought me with you, right?

The truth is, I like sitting here, on this rooftop better than just walking around on empty streets, but I didn't want to get myself involved with the carrothead's life anymore then this. He is clearly nothing but trouble, and I have more important stuff to do than wasting my time on petty escapes from lowlifes like tonight.

So I got up and gave him his beloved pack of cigarettes so I could take my leave.

- Wait. You want one?

In that specific moment, I didn't exactly know how to answer. I just wanted to be surrounded by the smoke. I like the tabacco scent.

- You opened up the pack. Take one.

- Thank you.

So I just took a cigarette and sat next to him again, on the abandoned bulding's rooftop. He leaned over to light up my cigarette and I could see a confused look on his face, but he turned away quickly and lit up his.

- I didn't bring you with me just to buy me cigs from that mobster, OK???? He said in a really pissed off voice. I really didn't understand why he was acting like that. I didn't ask a single question. What got him so serious?

- Then…

- Unlike you, you antisocial tranny, I like the company of people, OK?

- You were… lonely?

- NO! FUCK! I don't know... It's better to sit here and have a smoke with someone than being alone or with that sociopat that kills people for fun. You're not my first chioce either, but why the hell not?

His words don't usually make much sense, but this time I'm afraid he's right. It's probably around 3 a.m. and this rooftop, the smell of tabacco, the quiet night… is better than switching from one side to another in that small room waiting to fall asleep. I don't need any of this, and this is a waste of time, but it doesn't feel bad.

Eventually, we got down from the rooftop, and Badou didn't say anything else for the rest of the walk and he had a concerned look on his face. It was the first time I saw him like this. I couldn't read anything from his expression and didn't understand it. When we got to the shop where we bumped into eachother, he took out a pen and a little piece of paper from his pocket. He wrote something on the paper and gave it to me.

- Sometimes I can't sleep either. Take care.

It was a phone number.

***

And once again, it's 2 a.m. and I can't sleep. Unless I'm busy with some sort of mission, the same pattern keeps repeating. It's the 3rd night in a row already. At least I know for sure that the Bishop has something for me from tomorrow on and it will put an end to these annoying sleepless nights.

So here I find myself again on the badly lit, empty streets. I don't even feel like walking anymore tonight, I already know all the cracks on the walls, the small shops that sell cigaretts and alcohol at 2 a.m. and the stray dogs that wander around.

I just sat on a bench, hoping I won't get invaded by those useless thoughts again. I'd rather be surrounded by clouds of smoke. I'd rather bump into the carrothead again tonight, minus all that trouble that finds him at any corner. He smokes and the smoke relaxes me.

Maybe I should just buy myself a pack of cigarettes and have one from time to time, but I'd rather sit next to someone that smokes than smoke myself. I can't say I like the taste of it.

I stood up and headed to one of the shops open at this hour and bought the same cigarettes Badou smokes. I didn't really know much about cigarettes so I didn't know what else to buy. As I reached for the money, I also found the note he gave me yesterday night. After I payed for the cigarettes, I took a better look at the note.

I'm not exactly sure why, but a few moments later I was standing in front of a public phonebooth, typing that number.

-What the fuck do you want at this hour?

I really didn't want anything, but the carrothead was right. It's better to be in someone's company than just walk around by yourself. His stupid chatter is better then these empty streets.

- Talk, goddamn it! Who is this?

- Naoto…

- SHIT! What the heck are you doing this late again?

- Sorry…

- If you're anywhere near the place we met yesterday, just come up! Stop taking walks around there at this hour. It's weird.

After that, he told me where he lived and it was really close from where I was, so I just went there.

It's 3 a.m. again, but I'm not in that small room anymore. This room isn't much bigger, but the atmosphere here is a lot more welcoming. My room seems a lot like a motel room, where people just come and go, don't even unpack their clothes and keep them in their suitcases. This place looks more like somebody actually lives in here. And it's filled with the smell of tabacco.

Badou seemed bothered by something, maybe it was my late phone call. Now that I think about it, I'm still not sure why I called him. I'd be better in the company of Nill and the Bishop, but I wouldn't dare bother them this late.

***

When I looked at the clock it said 8.30 a.m.

8.30 a.m.?

I fell asleep. I'm still in Badou's room. When I turned around, he was sleeping right next to me. The situation seemed a bit awkward.

Last night, I was on his couch, he started talking about something, and then he lit up a cigarette. I think that's when I fell asleep.

I just stood up and wanted to take my leave quietly, without waking him up. But when I wanted to open the door…

- SHIT! I ran out of cigs!

He woke up, and apparently his first thoughts in the morning are about nicotine. Not really surprising.

- Naoto! You're leaving?

- Yeah. I have to go.

- No! Rent!

- What?

- Yeah… pay me rent!

- You slept here last night. And the only ones I let sleeping here for the night are the ones I… OK, never mind that!!! Do you have some spare cash? I ran out of cigs.

- I didn't want to fall asleep…

- You looked like shit.

- I'm going.

This guy is becoming obnoxious again, and I don't wanna stand here anymore and take his stupid insults.

- It was obvious you needed some sleep. That couch is crap. Nobody can actually sleep there. I would rather wake up next to a hot blonde with big boobs, but I was kidding about the rent. You don't have to rush out like this. Want a coffee?

I'm not sure if he's trying to be nice to me. It's not easy to understand this guy's actions. He's pretty rough but I guess he's not a bad person.

He went into the kitchen and as I stood there, I remembered I bought a pack of cigarettes yesterday night. I don't actually need them, but Badou needs them to the point of being unable to live without his precious nicotine.

I followed him into the kitchen.

-Here…

I gave him the pack of cigarettes. I was hoping this could count as "rent". Also, I didn't want to hear his whining anymore.

- Fuck it, woman!

-What ?!

I certainly did not expect that reaction from his part.

- Stop doing this! Can't you just be the same manly annoying bitch you always are?

- I'm going.

- Fuck it! I don't care anymore.

As I turned around, he grabed my hand and pulled me close to him.

- I don't care if you kill me anymore.

He put the other hand on my waist and pulled me even closer. Without hesitating for even one second, he closed his eyes and kissed me. I didn't know what to do in that moment, I was really surprised by his action, but then I closed my eyes too and gave in. His lips still had the taste of tabacco. His kiss was rough, like himself, but it didn't feel bad. I lost myself for a few moments, but this was not suppose to happen. It can only bring trouble.

I just pulled away, said a quick good bye and rushed through the door. I didn't want anything more to happen. This can't bring anything good.

I got home and changed my clothes. The Bishop wanted to see me today.

I'll have to wash the other dress when I get back. It smells like tabacco.

That made me smile.

***

Another week went by, and we were all busy trying to get information on certain people related to the Underground. I met Badou almost daily but he didn't really face me. He was pretty pissed off every time he was around me, but he acted proffesional when it was needed and our jobs went smoothly.

He probably has every right to be upset with me. I never give any explanation, and I never let others read into me.

It's late again. I'm going to waste this night as well. In nights like this, I wish he'd be lighting up his cigarette next to me. Strangely, the air would be more breathable.

I know already that this can bring nothing good… but is it that bad to have some company instead of counting cracks on the walls that surround those empty streets?

Maybe it's irrational from my part, but instead of running away from it and make assumptions on hipothetical situations, I'll just try and find out.

***

It's probably around 3 a.m. again. I guess my pattern is pretty clear, huh?

From the other side of the door, all I could hear was:

- Who the fuck is it, at this hour?

But he opened the door and acted really surprised to find me standing in front of it.

- Do you actually have trouble sleeping? I asked.

- No. And I don't share my cigarettes either. What do you want?

- Can I have a cigarette?

- Yeah…

We sat on that couch again, smoking silently and I felt relaxed again. I guess his presence makes all my useless thoughts just go away. I hate to admit it, but he really is right. Walking around on badly lit empty streets never helps.

- Can you make coffee again in the morning?

I'm not good with making conversation and I most certainly can't explain what I want from him, not even how I feel about him. "Liking" someone is still something beyound my understanding. But I don't hate him, and maybe I missjudged him before. He is probably capable of understanding the few words that come through my mouth. I just wanted him to know that this time I won't rush through the door without any explanation. I want to stay and find out this time.

If this can or can't bring something good…

He nodded. I did missunderstand him. Out of us, cold-hearted assasins, he is probably the one most likely of understanding feelings and the one most capable of caring about another human being.

This time, his actions changed a bit. He hesitated at first, but then he took the cigarette out of my mouth and kissed me again. Softer, this time.

He took his time, he knew I wasn't going to kill him afterwards and most importantly… that I will stay and drink coffee with him.

He went his fingers through my hair, while biting my lower lip. He left his cigarette burning in the ashtrey.

He started unbuttoning my dress with his other hand, slowly and cautios. I didn't have a single wish of resisting him. Maybe it passed through my mind only for a few moments, when I remembered the ugly scar on my chest. But then I looked at his face and I saw his eyepatch again.

Who else would be more capable of understending?

He started kissing my neck, while caressing my breasts with his hands.

I had no power to resist his actions, I actually understood what it meant to "want" something.

He continued to kiss me, caress me, and bite me softly until my whole body trembled. I lost myself in the extasy of those moments, under Badou's weight.

We both fell asleep on the couch.

He said nobody can sleep on that couch. That made me smile.

In a way, he's not that different from me. We both probably find it hard to express what we really want to say. I'd rather not say anything at all. He just ends up saying different things. The difference is only in the way we expresss it and the masks we put on for others.

But the extasy was real.

The smell of black coffee in the morning and tabacco was also real.

***

It's awkward, unlikely to lead to anything good and hard to define. But as long as it puts an end to my insomnia, I need it.

I began to need him.

He doesn't need much words from my part now. We both know that when our missions end, I will probably show up at his door sometime after the sun sets.

Sometimes I buy cigarettes.

And sometimes, I don't leave after the coffee.

Outside, the streets are still empty and badly lit at night. Maybe the number of cracks on the walls and broken windows increased. Stray dogs still howl in the dark. Old men still sit on benches waiting for the sun to rise and mobstars still take care of their dirty businesses until they reach a dead end.

Here, I have the scent of tabacco, I have his warmth, I can just close my eyes while he kisses the top of my head… and have a good night sleep.


End file.
